Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
You Might Also Like
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
it is time once again
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.