Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: