Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I never needed anything more in my life
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.