Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Optional boss fight.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Bill is short for Billiam
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]