*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.
If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe