@loribuckmajor

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

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@wittwitbarista

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@vinfury

Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

@bidenandobama

Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?

@Eye_Of_Madara

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

@JillBidenVeep

Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe