Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.


Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*


Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.


If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome


Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.


Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe