Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

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Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?


The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.


It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.


Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!


Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?


I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.


“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”


Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.


Barack: Sign here, and here
Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents?
Barack: No, Joe