@CanadianBeave13
@ComedicBust
The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.
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@ComedicBust
@upsidedowntrash
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
@john_vavra
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
@capnwatsisname
My parents reacted to recommending they try Venmo the way I react when my kids use their feet to eat things that aren’t food.
@Brampersandon_
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
@MNateShyamalan
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
@michaelianblack
There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”
@mela_shea
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
@momjeansplease
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
@sixfootcandy
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: