*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !