*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

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The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.


GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news


My parents reacted to recommending they try Venmo the way I react when my kids use their feet to eat things that aren’t food.


PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread


nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours


There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”


I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.


Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb


Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy: