@drankturpentine

*removes my teeth with her bra*

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@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

@carlyken

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

@MichaelTrying

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]

@notsosupermom_

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

@riverpig12

Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.

@LnL245

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.