*removes my teeth with her bra*

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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you


Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.


[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*


“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*


My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.


[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]


“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.


Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.


A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.