@drankturpentine

*removes my teeth with her bra*

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@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

@Robski_Boy

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

@5hael

My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

@FrazzleMyGimp

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

@EliBraden

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’