@drankturpentine

*removes my teeth with her bra*

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@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@TheRobCee

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@GrantTanaka

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

@Ndeshi_M

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.