*removes my teeth with her bra*

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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall


Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.


My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident


Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.


Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.


HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.


Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho


Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’