@karanbirtinna

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

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@avainwordland

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@PHDaniel_Street

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

@Kids_kubed

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

@Amusitr0n

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@s_kerekes

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.