*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.