Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
You Might Also Like
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.