Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?