Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*