I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Solving a traffic jam
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.