Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it