Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.


Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.


It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.


I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.


Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.


John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.


*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*