@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

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@TheAlexNevil

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

@Norsebysw

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

@adler_chris

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

@desusnice

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

@VeganZebra

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*