[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug