Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
New favorite tiktok
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?