COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Art by Pastelkatto
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My birthstone is kidney
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Monday Lisa
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.