Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Wikigenius
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭