Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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Put a ring on it
The author of How to Murder Your husband was just arrested for murdering her husband. I can’t be the only one who saw this coming.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Time to get ready for work
Insomnia – OK. You can sleep now.