[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.