Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
I’m your father ……
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-
*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”
you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.