@murrman5

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

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@nayele18maybe

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

@tsm560

The author of How to Murder Your husband was just arrested for murdering her husband. I can’t be the only one who saw this coming.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

@NewDadNotes

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

@daemonic3

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

@david8hughes

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

@imteddybless

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass