@murrman5

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

You Might Also Like

@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

@janinebrito

*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”

@robwhisman

you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example

@Midgetspar

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.