[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My patience has stretch marks.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.