Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk