remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.