#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what鈥檚 she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner鈥檚 step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What鈥檚 he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
never deleting this app.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
馃摳:
Nutritionist: if you can鈥檛 pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn鈥檛 eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My son 馃檵馃徑鈥嶁檪锔弚as SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 馃槏 I told him they were water. 馃挦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”