@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

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@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@Barknado69

[Date]

Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back

@Snarfernini

He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that

@ArfMeasures

“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?

@ShrugLord

How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?

@NoTheOtherJohn

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

@VeryLonelyLuke

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

@faizziy

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..