replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
You Might Also Like
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
yeah not falling for this one
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.