*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

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god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny


A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered


[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim


When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.


The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.


Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor


ME: let’s clean up the living room before mom gets home

4yo: but how will she know how much fun we had?

ME: hmm good point! we better get more toys


Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?


I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.