*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Lmao the reply
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
How do dragons blow out candles?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.