Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin

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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.


More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.


Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part


Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.


is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?


That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography


Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.


If I yawn, and the person talking says, ‘Sorry for boring you’, I graciously accept their apology.

Because, manners.


I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.