@ContradictEgo

Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin

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@bourgeoisalien

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

@DeadLioness

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

@brynnester

[Confession]
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

@moose_chocolate

This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.

@postcrunk

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

@In_Twittaland

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

@hammbone84

Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.

@ShoutingGoddess

If I yawn, and the person talking says, ‘Sorry for boring you’, I graciously accept their apology.

Because, manners.

@dancefeverbarbi

I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.