“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th