You Might Also Like
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
It be like that sometimes 😆
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is