I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Animal poetry
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register