Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Natural selection at its finest
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?