[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape
Report – Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year.
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CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza!
Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”