@EFFFFFFYOU

Report – Sharks have difficulty finding work 51 weeks every year.

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@supershayne

[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
*inserts mixtape*
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape

@captainkalvis

CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU

@markedly

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@mom_ontherocks

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

@TheRobCee

#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with “…and you can take THAT to the bank!”

@clichedout

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

@joshgondelman

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

@ThaJawn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza!
911: That’s-
Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!

@robfee

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”