Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.