hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.
It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Glue a tiny mirror over your driver’s license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead
My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.