Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
i think we should see other cousins
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.