REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
He took my last fry, your honor
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”