Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…