Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
You Might Also Like
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
no regrets
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.