Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
definitely did not do anything wrong
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️