@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

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@AnOrangeSNES

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

@sonictyrant

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

@FinnMcIver

I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don’t do that guys, don’t do that.

@R_A_Dadass

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

@DrakeGatsby

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

@Fred_Delicious

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

@HatfieldAnne

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

@Social_Mime

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?