Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent