REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.


7 year old: Mom, can I take tap dancing lessons?

Me, panicking: Oh sorry Honey, they stopped making tap.


Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress.
Other times I think you need a better home security system


2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.


What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long


Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.


The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.