While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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7 year old: Mom, can I take tap dancing lessons?
Me, panicking: Oh sorry Honey, they stopped making tap.
Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress.
Other times I think you need a better home security system
2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.
If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
What medications do I take?
I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My grocery list:
1. Don’t run into anyone you know
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.