REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My birthstone is a marshmallow