REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
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HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to