Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.


Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing


TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade


a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists


[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*

*leaves it*


Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.


Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single


[Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.


Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI