@EndhooS

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

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@daemonic3

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

@ThisOneSayz

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

@Shock_Monster

Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.

Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.

@sixfootcandy

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

@everygirI

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago