@EndhooS

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

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@darksidedeb

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@daynamcalpine_

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

@squirrel74wkgn

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@NYorNothing

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

@PastorBate

[Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.

@JediGigi

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI