@Playing_Dad

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

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@stuckinaportal

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

@TheHyyyype

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

@trayofcheese

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

@TheMichaelRock

Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

@toastymoe

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

@KalvinMacleod

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

@Dutch_50

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?