look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.
– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
This could be headline of the year! #Greggs
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?