Reporter: *ports again*
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I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Wednesday
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it