Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
How do dragons blow out candles?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
#Caturday
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.