REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Okey dokey.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I am, perchance
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
the #horror is real!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
12653.