REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
True
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?