Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
ready to be harvested
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Damn he played himself
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.