REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.