Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My sex drive has a dui
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
This January has 47 Mondays
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.