reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[when we鈥檙e a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn鈥檛 get that Uber driver.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I鈥檒l feel sublime.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
ghost of christmas past but it鈥檚 just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
S O O N
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.