Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”