REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.