@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

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@ColeNoorda

Gym Rat: Bro, I realize chalk helps you grip the bar, but did you really have to cover your whole body in it?

Me, swallowing another powdered donut: Chalk?

@AnExocticBeach

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar

@doingnothinbusy

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

@lemmywinkler

My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I’ve never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

@chudneyspears

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.