[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I鈥檇 forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
It鈥檚 a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Husband: Let鈥檚 coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There鈥檚 a weights class I鈥檝e been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
HER: Take a shower with me. 馃槉
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 馃槉[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I鈥檇 like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.