@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

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@WilliamAder

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@UncleDuke1969

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

@Lindzeta

Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?

@CarolineSiede

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

@SoNotBrendan

Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.